Our Deepest Fear
by GretchenMaurice
Summary: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." -Marianne Williamson. Pre-relationship/friendship Gelphie one-shot. Enjoy!


**A/N: This was originally part of my longer fic (and it might still be a part of it, who knows?) but I thought it worked nicely as a stand-alone kind of thing. Just to answer any confusion about some parts-this takes place a while after Dr. Dillamond is gone, and Elphaba is picking up his research. Let me know what you think?  
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**Disclaimer: _Wicked _belongs to a bunch of people, but I am not fortunate enough to be one of them.**

**Inspired by this quote:**

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**_"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." -Marianne Williamson  
_**

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"Come on, Elphaba," Glinda said, nearly begging. "You did it before!"

Elphaba didn't look up from her book. "Yes, that was then. This is now."

"But you're _good _at it!"

"That doesn't change the fact that I have no interest in it."

"You seemed plenty interested in that umbrella spell."

"That was for obvious reasons."

Glinda groaned and jumped on the bed next to Elphaba. The green girl's brow furrowed slightly as the mattress jostled beneath her.

"What are you reading?" Glinda asked. A dark eyebrow shot up at her all-too-innocent tone.

"The usual."

Glinda sighed. "And you still won't tell me what _the usual _is?"

"Nope." The answer was immediate. "Sorry, my sweet."

"No you're not," the blonde grumbled to herself. "You know, Elphie, maybe you just need a break. Poring over the same stuff over and over again can't be good for you. No wonder you're not finding anything new."

Elphaba glanced up at her. "Who says I'm not finding anything new?"

Glinda giggled at her friend's tone. "You do. I can see you getting more and more frustrated every day. See? Even now you're scowling at me!"

"That's because you're distracting me."

"That's the point, Elphie! You need a distraction. Won't you practice some sorcery with me?"

Elphaba went back at her book before she could see her roommate's pout. Green fingers tightened around the hard cover. "No."

"Please, Elphie?"

The green girl couldn't help herself. She looked up, her eyes locking with the pleading blue gaze. "Argh! Fine. I'll watch."

Glinda squealed and leapt off the bed. Feeling slightly uneasy, Elphaba set her book down as her roommate dug out her sorcery textbook. "So we've been learning a whole series of simple but useful spells. This week it was household charms."

Glinda flipped through the pages of the book and stopped suddenly, her finger dragging along the page. "Okay. Watch this!" She spun around and focused on a pair of pink heels next to her bed—one of the many possessions that were strewn about the room instead of their proper place. Her brow furrowed as she concentrated. Elphaba watched as her shoulders tensed and her jaw set. Despite herself, the green girl enjoyed watching her roommate practice sorcery. It was one of the few things the blonde constantly allowed herself to work hard at, not caring what others thought of her. The thought made Elphaba's chest swell with pride. It was only when Glinda asked her to join her that the green girl was reluctant.

With a small gesture toward the shoes, Glinda shouted something in a different language. The heels immediately flew over to the wardrobe and settled themselves neatly in a corner. The blonde turned to her roommate, beaming. "Well?"

"Brilliant, Glinda," Elphaba said sincerely.

"Your turn!"

The green girl's face shut down. Without realizing it, her arms reached around to cup her elbows. "No, Glinda. I can't."

"Oh, come on, Elphie. Why not?"

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a sorcery student."

Glinda stuck her lower lip out. "That didn't stop you last time."

"It's one thing to try out a spell or two. But to practice on a daily basis? Do you know what Morrible would do if—" Elphaba cut off at the thought of Madame Morrible, her fingers curling into tight fists.

It pained Glinda to see the sudden tension rolling off of Elphie. She sighed and sank onto the bed behind her, rubbing her shoulders gently. "Morrible doesn't have to find out, you know. You've gotten awfully good at hiding things from her."

That made the corner of Elphie's lips twitch. "Perhaps. But still, I'd rather not tempt fate."

An idea suddenly occurred to Glinda, and she wondered why she hadn't thought of it before. "Elphie, what if magic could _help _you? What if—"

"_No._" The green girl's voice was firm. "I'm sorry, Glinda, but this is a matter of history and science and politics and—" Elphaba's mouth shut, not wanting to give anything away. Then she sighed. "Magic has no place in this matter."

Glinda scooted around her roommate to face her. "Just this one spell?"

"No, Glinda." Elphaba's dark eyes flitted away from her face.

"Please?" Glinda stuck her lip out once more.

"I said no." The green girl glanced at her briefly, biting her lip.

"For me?" Blue eyes widened.

Elphaba tried desperately to ignore the feeling she got every time Glinda asked her for something, but it was no use. It had already settled in her gut, mixing with the growing unease that was already there. With a groan, Elphie fell back against her pillows. "Oh, fine!"

"Yay!" Glinda squealed with delight and grabbed a green hand, dragging her friend off the bed. "Come on, come on. Oh, this is going to be so great! It's this spell, right here!" She pointed to a line of text on the page. Elphaba leaned over slightly to read it, taking deep, steadying breaths. She pressed her hands against her thighs, hoping that her roommate couldn't see her trembling, and looked around for a target. She settled on the sheets of her bed, which were undone and wrinkled. Her heart pounded as she pointed at it and said the correct words.

The room exploded with a flurry of movement. Her sheets immediately straightened themselves, but that wasn't all. The pillows on her and Glinda's bed sat up neatly. The papers on her desk formed perfect stacks and her pencils lined themselves up in a proper little row. Both the girls' clothes floated from their various locations, folded themselves in midair, and were set tidily in their proper wardrobes and dressers. All of Glinda's shoes and purses were sent from the middle of the room to line up neatly next to the pink heels she had already arranged, and Elphaba's oils sorted themselves on her dresser, lining up to place her most frequently used bottles at the front.

It all happened in a matter of seconds, clothes and other various possessions flying past the girls' heads as they watched. When it was over, Glinda clapped her hands together, jumping on the balls of her feet. "Oh, Elphie, that was _wonderful_!"

Elphaba, however, said nothing. She sank back onto her newly made bed and clutched a pillow to her chest. Whatever that was—whatever any of this magic stuff was—it was _not _wonderful.

"Elphie..?" Glinda stopped, watching her roommate with concern. Elphaba's arms hugged her dark pillow tightly. Her face had paled until it was almost more grey than green. Her mouth hung slightly open, and she was trembling from head to toe. For a moment, Glinda thought that the spell had drained her, but that was ridiculous. It was a simple spell, and Elphaba was more than capable of magic like that. "Elphaba, what's wrong."

The green girl shook her head slightly, feeling sick. She hated magic. _Hated _it. And here was why. Why couldn't Glinda just once leave well enough alone? But as her blonde roommate knelt beside her on the bed, Elphaba knew she wasn't mad at her. She shook her head again and tried to find her voice. "N-nothing. It's nothing."

"Well, it's obviously something."

"I'm fine, Glinda." A shaky green hand reached once more for her book, but Glinda grabbed it, stopping her.

"No, you're not. Every time you do magic, you freak out like this. _Why_? It's not as if you've messed up anything. Quite the opposite, actually! You're amazing, Elphie! You're better than anyone in the class!"

"But I don't _want _to be." Elphaba's voice was miserable, a tone that Glinda hadn't heard since the day Dr. Dillamond left.

"That's what I don't understand, Elphie." Glinda searched her roommate's face. "You're so talented. You could do amazing things with sorcery if you tried—Oz, with skill like that you could be apprentice to the Wizard himself!"

"But how do you know it would be amazing?" she asked in a small voice. Glinda hesitated, tilting her head.

"What…what do you mean?"

Elphaba jumped up from the bed and walked to her desk, her hands pulling through her hair. She turned sharply to face her roommate again and began to pace. "What if—what if all this talent isn't a good thing? What if I end up hurting someone?"

"Well that's what training is for—"

"But what if I can't help it? Everything I've ever done has hurt people. All the treatment my father put my mother through when she was pregnant with Nessa—the reason she died and Nessa can't walk—it's all because of me. Our Nanny getting fired…Dr. Dillamond being kicked out of Shiz…they're the only two people I ever let myself get close to, and then their lives were ruined. How can that _not _be my fault? Hell and Oz, Glinda, I'm _green! _If that's not a sign, then I don't know what is!"

"A sign of _what_?" Glinda asked, completely taken back by her roommate's sudden rant. "Elphie, what in Oz are you talking about?"

Elphaba sighed and came to a stop next to her bed, facing away from Glinda. "Maybe…maybe it's true. All those things people say about me—how terrible I am, how my skin is an obvious sign that I'm inherently evil—maybe they're right. What if my ability to use magic so easily is proof of that?"

"Elphie, that's not true…"

The green girl bent her head, hugging her arms.

"Elphaba Thropp, you look at me right now." When her roommate still didn't move, Glinda reached for her and pulled her down gently to sit on the bed. Her hand gently grabbed Elphaba's chin, turning the green face towards her. "Is that really it? You're…_afraid _of your magic?"

Elphaba closed her eyes. Slowly, she nodded.

"Oh, Elphie." Glinda stroked the raven hair back from her roommate's face. "Elphaba, open your eyes."

The green girl obeyed. For a moment, Glinda couldn't breathe. She stared into the endless brown eyes as they searched her face helplessly. Taking a deep breath, the blonde looked directly into her eyes. "Our greatest fear isn't that we're inadequate…it's that we are powerful beyond measure. Do you understand me, Elphaba? You're _powerful_, not evil."

Elphaba shook her head, but Glinda cut her off before she could speak. "No, listen to me. You were born different. Not worse, just different. And that made you strong. You don't care what others think. You're content to ignore the rest of the world and do what you believe is right. And speaking as someone who used to be with that rest of the world, other people feel threatened by that. But that doesn't make you evil. It just makes them ignorant."

Elphaba pulled away from Glinda. "What about Nessa, then?"

"That wasn't your fault. That—"

"Then what about Nanny? Dr. Dillamond? For Oz's sake, Glinda, what about the way I treated _you_?"

Glinda took Elphaba by the shoulders. "None of that was your fault, Elphaba! _Listen to me. _You are _not _a bad person! How could you be? You're intelligent and motivated and everything you do has a purpose. You fight for what's right, no matter what people think, and you're constantly putting others before yourself. What about the way you treat me _now_? You're the most selfless person I know. Just look at your childhood. You could have grown up to be hateful and spiteful, but you didn't. Sure, you're closed off. You hesitate to let people in or open up in any way. But before Shiz, when's the last time anyone _let _you do that? You had every right to put up walls around you. But when they're down…Elphaba, you're the greatest person I know—the bravest, kindest, most determined and selfless person I have ever met."

"Glinda…"

"You're _good_, Elphaba. Not wicked. _Why_ won't you believe me?" Glinda's voice broke with that last question, and Elphaba could only stare as tears began to fill her shining blue eyes.

"Glinda." Elphaba fought to keep her own voice steady. "No one's ever thought of me as anything good. And those that have…well, I—I just don't want to lose you, too."

The blonde grabbed Elphaba and pulled her into a tight embrace. Feeling more lost than ever before, Elphaba buried her face into Glinda's shoulder and clung to her. Glinda stroked her dark hair and held her close. "You're my best friend, Elphie. I know what a wonderful person you are. I know you would never hurt anyone."

Elphaba nodded into her shoulder. "That's all I need to know.**"**


End file.
